My soul waits in silence for God only. From Him is my salvation. He is my rock my stronghold, I shall not be greatly shaken. – Psalm 62:1
My soul waits in silence for God only. I’m surrendered to His will, His plan, and His purpose for this… This that feels so painfully wrong and unfair. This that has broken my heart over and over again for the last three years.
I have cancer again. Well, I guess it never left. It’s everywhere it could be (bones, liver, lungs). Unfortunately, stage 4 breast cancer that metastasizes to other parts of your body is uncurable and terminal. There is treatment I can do to hold it off for as long as possible, but eventually treatment will stop working. It will be a balance of quality-of-life versus quantity, because treatment makes me sick as well. I feel great right now, the absolute best I have felt in three years. I have no symptoms whatsoever.
Sadly, I got this news the day after my final reconstruction surgery on January 23rd. I literally thought I was done for sure this time, then this . I have decided to quit working and spend all my time with my children, doodles, family and friends. I plan on having a passionate love affair with cheese platters, crusty baguettes & European butter, risotto and red wine. I have also decided to spend my quiet moments here sharing all my stories , prayers and devotionals that fill the pages of my journals.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul like a weened child rests against its mother, my soul is a weaned child within me. – Psalm 131
My soul is indeed quiet within me and I feel at rest. This doesn’t mean I don’t cry or grieve, but beneath the tears I am at rest. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I know that there will probably be a great amount of suffering. However, I believe that there is unimaginable beauty in suffering. It’s not a concept that can be fully grasped unless you have experienced it firsthand. It’s giving up what you feel (pain,shock, devastation) and replacing it with what you know to be true, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable. I am consciously choosing to seek out and affirm the goodness that surrounds me . What is true? God is good. I strongly believe not everything that feels bad is bad and not everything that feels good is good. Only God is good and He loves me. His plan and purpose for my life are not something I fully need to understand to accept. He has allowed this for me and so this too I wholeheartedly believe is good.
In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider God has made the one as well as the other. – Proverbs 7:14
It’s in this time of adversity that I am leaning deep into the character of my God. I am clinging to who I know He is. He is my strength, my stronghold, my security, my protector, my refuge. He is the Alpha and Omega the great I AM. In Him, I am completely loved and safe. He alone can be trusted. I know He will walk with me through this. He will hold my hand and be with me until the end and then we will be together for eternity. I know that I am His and I will continue to deny myself and walk forward, carrying my cross – I will be obedient unto death.
You Lord are my hope and I shall not be greatly shaken. Yes… my soul waits in silence for God only.