“To acknowledge that you’re dying, is to let go of the future. ”
I am tearful to the point of physical pain. I am grieving the loss of my future. Grieving the loss of my own life. Yes, I am still here, but it is the unbearable pain of knowing that I will have to say goodbye to the ones I love. It’s the pain of holding my 12-year-old son as he weeps uncontrollably in my arms. My children will not have a mommy and my sweet husband and I will not have the chance to grow old together. I really wanted to be a grandma, this is something that tears me apart inside. I see the pain in their faces, and I wipe away the tears now, but who will comfort them when I’m gone? Who will bake cookies, make birthdays special, and put up the Christmas tree? We are grieving together as a family and it’s hard. Even when we’re happy and laughing the unspoken sadness, this harsh reality hovers like a thunderstorm in the distance.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” ~Psalm 34:18
It is an unexplainable sadness that stays heavy in my body long after the well of tears has run dry. It leaves an aching deep inside. It’s as if the sadness is stuck and has no way to escape. My eyes sting and burn from the inside out, my head begins to ache. Then I just become numb. No words, no thoughts, no tears, just blank. Then the sound of my breath brings me back and I hear the birds singing outside my window … so I begin to write as I always do.
May 21, 2017
The pages of my heart, here on this inexpensive college ruled paper; messy words written with a cheap blue Bic pen with no regard for proper penmanship. Pandora plays classical music, there are sleeping doodle dogs at my feet, and the sound of my birds singing outside my window. These words, not just scribbling, but the very essence of my mind and soul guided by the Spirit. Why? When did I start this habit? I remember now, I started down this road almost 20 years ago. I started writing to find you, Louise. Hundreds of pages filled with heartache & joy, restlessness & peace … and self discovery. Acceptance & surrender, failures & proud moments, and striving & stillness.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts.” ~ Psalm 139:23
Every morning I write, searching to understand myself and searching to know my God . I pour myself out onto the page, usually long enough for it to come full circle. I always end up in the same place. At the end of myself and the beginning of Him.
“For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” ~ 2 Chronicles 16:9
Father, here on these pages you have allowed me to have the deepest understanding of myself. Then, when I finally get out of the way, I always find You … and it is in You that I find the best version of me. It’s the real Louise, the one you created me to be, glorified in Jesus.
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” ~ James 4:8
You have always called me deeper Lord. Even now, I can feel you calling me into a deeper place with myself and with You. Sometimes I feel that I can’t handle anymore. I think you’ve misjudged my strength; but go I will.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
Help me Father, strengthen me to walk through this in a way that glorifies you. Jesus, I know you understand, hold my hand. Spirit, please take away the sadness and comfort my soul – Amen.
“For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:38