To acknowledge your dying… 

“To acknowledge that you’re dying,  is to let go of the future. ”

I am tearful to the point of physical pain. I am grieving the loss of my future.  Grieving the loss of my own life.  Yes, I am still here, but it is the unbearable pain of knowing that I will have to say goodbye to the ones I love. It’s the pain of holding my 12-year-old son as he weeps uncontrollably in my arms.  My children will not have a mommy and my sweet husband and I will not have the chance to grow old together.  I really wanted to be a grandma, this is something that tears me apart inside.  I see the pain in their faces, and I wipe away the tears now, but who will comfort them when I’m gone? Who will bake cookies, make birthdays special, and put up the Christmas tree?  We are grieving together as a family and it’s hard. Even when we’re happy and laughing the unspoken sadness, this harsh reality hovers like a thunderstorm in the distance.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” ~Psalm 34:18

It is an unexplainable sadness that stays heavy in my body long after the well of tears has run dry.  It leaves an aching deep inside. It’s as if the sadness is stuck and has no way to escape. My eyes sting and burn from the inside out, my head begins to ache. Then I just become numb.  No words, no thoughts, no tears, just blank. Then the sound of my breath brings me back and I hear the birds singing outside my window … so I begin to write as I always do.

Journal entry:

May 21, 2017

The pages of my heart, here on this inexpensive college ruled paper; messy words written with a cheap blue Bic pen with no regard for proper penmanship. Pandora plays classical music, there are sleeping doodle dogs  at my feet, and the sound of my birds singing outside my window. These words, not just scribbling,  but the very essence of my mind and soul guided by the Spirit. Why? When did I start this habit?  I remember now, I started down this road almost 20 years ago. I started writing  to find you, Louise.  Hundreds of pages filled with heartache & joy, restlessness & peace … and self discovery.  Acceptance & surrender, failures & proud moments, and  striving & stillness.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts.” ~ Psalm 139:23

Every morning I write, searching to understand myself and searching to know my God . I pour myself out onto the page, usually long enough for it to come full circle.  I always end up in the same place.  At the end of myself and the beginning of Him.

For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” ~ 2 Chronicles 16:9

Father, here on these pages you have allowed me to have the  deepest understanding of myself. Then, when  I finally get out of the way,  I always find You  … and it is in You that I find the best version of me. It’s the real Louise, the one you created me to be, glorified in Jesus.

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” ~ James 4:8

You have always called me deeper Lord.  Even now, I can feel you calling me into a deeper place with myself and with You.  Sometimes I feel that I can’t handle anymore.  I think you’ve misjudged my strength; but go I will.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Help me Father, strengthen me to walk through this in a way that glorifies you.  Jesus, I know you understand, hold my hand. Spirit, please take away the sadness and comfort my soul – Amen.

“For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:38

8 comments… add one
  • Andrea Strom May 26, 2017, 12:10 pm

    Louise you are loved and prayed for. Thank you for sharing your heart and your sweet spirit. You are an inspiration to me.

  • Julia Humphrey May 26, 2017, 12:22 pm

    I’m so humbled in reading this. I’m seeing a level of faith to which I can only aspire. I’m praying for you and your family. I’m sorry it’s so painful and I don’t understand why or how He allowed this for you. I do know that you are a beautiful soul and you ARE glorifying Jesus.

  • Stephanie Weaver May 26, 2017, 1:14 pm

    Louise, know that so many of us are lifting you up with our prayers.

  • Cathy Arkle May 26, 2017, 4:37 pm

    Louise, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Your faith, honesty and transparency are so inspiring. I am praying for God’s strength to help you and your family.

    “I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
    (Isaiah 41:10 NKJV)

  • Jennifer Richmond May 26, 2017, 8:40 pm

    Louise, I’m so nspired by your strength during this unbelievably tough time. I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. Youare loved and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  • Lana Watkins May 26, 2017, 9:31 pm

    Louise,

    I cannot find words to comfort you, but I want you to know that you are one of the loveliest people I have ever met, one of my first California friends. Your strength is my inspiration.

  • Kim May 26, 2017, 10:57 pm

    Louise… I’ve known you since we were 10’years old. Wow… the memories we had together. As we grew up you went one way and I another. But here we are now, 47 years old . I can’t believe how time flies by… I have tears ofjoynand sadness right now. It’s so beautiful to read your love for Jesus and see the love and peace you possess. It is a love that surpasses all under standing. My prayer for you Louise is to have peace and joy. Thank you for your writing. It truly is incredible. You are an amazing mother, wife and friend. May God continue to show His love and knowledge to you. You are an inspiration to me. God bless you… Psalm 46;10 Be still and know that I Am God

  • Liz Hall May 28, 2017, 9:51 am

    It almost 10 years since we meet, you touch me and my friends lives. I will never forget how you helped celebrate my birthday. I today, I celebrate you in my thoughts! With each birthday, I will continue to celebrate you ! Know that you have touched peoples lives, and that you meant something to people. That is a special gift!

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