Day and night I am asking God to revive me. To enliven my broken heart that refuses to beat. I so desperately want to be resilient, get up yet again, and bounce back. I’m begging Him to help me recover and restore to me the joy of life. But, right now everything about life hurts me, and I’m so wounded that I can’t get up. Even watching my son get a haircut breaks me down into tears, I cannot bear the thought of not seeing him grow into a man. I feel myself wanting to close off my heart to love. This week the only thing I have allowed myself to enjoy are these beautiful peonies flowers. I love them and as their beauty fades, it reminds me that nothing lasts forever. But at least when they are gone, they can’t hurt me.
Like it or not, I am beginning to think that this is exactly where God wants me to be. I’m learning that the deeper you love, the deeper the loss, the deeper the pain.
This is unconditional love…
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you.” – Jeremiah 31:3
Unwilling to stop loving, I am accepting the pain and tears that follow. I am beginning to think God is allowing me to feel this duplicity of emotion to better understand His heart for us.
June 13, 2017
“This is my comfort in my affliction, that thy word has revived me.” – Psalm 119:50
I am forced to be still in today. I know this is right Father, but I’m struggling with it. I am trusting you Lord, you’ve always come through. Yet, I am not comforted by the past because it hurts so much right now in the present. I wish you could tell me it’s going to be OK that I could see what is going to happen. But I’m here, just me, Louise.
Speak to me Father, revive me, remind me…
Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Hebrews 11:1-2
I am certain of you Jesus, I know what I have believed. I know you Father, you are good. Psalm 119:68 I know that you never waiver or change. Hebrews 13:8 You and I have an unbreakable covenant, sealed by the blood of your Son. A covenant promise to take on my enemies, my pain is your pain, You go before me and You love me with all Your heart and I am yours. Deuteronomy 31:8
I am certain that in the right time, I will rise again. I will rise and bounce back from rock bottom. I will walk among the living and although I walk through the valley of the shadow of death there You are. You are my shepherd and I shall not want. Psalm 23 Comfort my pain with your faithfulness and lovingkindness.
Remind me again that you are for me. Romans 8:31
Remind my heart that You have written me on the palm of Your hand. Isaiah 49:15
Remind me that You fashioned me and have known me from the time of my mothers womb. Psalm 139:13
Remind me that you are my rock and in You I will not be shaken. Psalm 62:2
Remind me again that You are the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last. Revelation 22:13
Remind me again You chose me –John 15:16. You redeemed me –Isaiah 44:22 You justified me Romans 8:29.
Remind me my life is hidden in Christ, I just have to get through this and then glory. Colossians 3:3
Remind me Father that I am safe and as this body wastes away my true self is being renewed. Letting go of this life, this body – ready to move on to eternity and glory. 2 Corinthian’s 4:16.
” I will never forget Thy precepts for by them You have revived me. ” – Psalm 119