It's been 14 days since the wedding. I ate the last piece of the left over wedding cake and now this morning I am tucked into the couch, feeling the warmth of the morning sun coming in through the window. I feel so still, like I can't move. Honestly, I don't even want to move. My gaze is fixed on my daughters dying wedding bouquet there on the coffee table and I'm wondering how did I get here? I am still so broken hearted that I didn't get to play a part of planning anything for my daughter's wedding. I showed up as a guest. Feelings of grief, loss, regret, shock, and disbelief are all still lingering. I am trying so hard to let it all go, but I'm struggling with it more than I want anyone to know.
The last nine weeks are all a blur. It is like someone pressed fast forward on my life. As present as I have tried to be, I'm sitting here silent, staring at these flowers filled with emotions that I can't even put into words. What happened? How? Why? Now what? I feel the tears filling up behind my eyes, there's a flood of feelings just waiting to wash over me.
Nine weeks ago I found out that the initial treatment was not working and that my cancer aggressively spread everywhere throughout my lungs, liver, and spine. I knew it wasn't working because I was struggling to breathe. Now, on a new treatment, I am living my life in three week increments. I have treatment, and I'm down for about nine days, then slowly I get back up, try to live my life, then back to treatment again.
Three weeks goes by so fast and within that time my life is both chaotic and quiet all at once. It feels like a summer thunderstorm. The clouds blow in and quickly darken the sky and the rain floods the earth. The wind blows with fury and tosses the trees back-and-forth. Then as quickly as the storm blew in, it disappears, and the sun is shining again.
"this is my comfort in my affliction, that Thy word has revived me."
Am I OK? I don't really know. I think I am, but to tell you the truth I'm not really sure what OK looks like when you have terminal cancer. None of this is fun, it hurts, the side effects are awful, the sadness… I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I stop and think about it … well, it is hard to imagine that anyone could possibly live through this. Yet here I am, rooted in the Word and sustained by the grace of God. Trying everyday to move forward one step at a time.
"but her delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law she meditates day and night. And she will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water." ~Psalm 1
My roots are planted firmly. I don't feel shaken in my core, but my branches are blowing in the wind and being tossed back-and-forth by the storm. My children, my husband, and my closest friends seem to be taking on the worst of it. I find myself in the role of comforter, wiping tears and wanting to protect them from the heartache. They need me to whisper truth in their ears, laugh, jump on the bed, dance, and crack jokes… maybe what they need is exactly what I need too. What I want them to remember the most is that there can be joy in suffering, laughter through pain, and peace in the midst of the storm.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."
~2 Corinthians 12:9
The weather doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon, but I'm not afraid or moved. I know my strength comes from my weakness. I don't have to do anything. I can just wait out the storm. I can't change this for them and I can't change this for me, I can't make it better. In my complete inability to change any of this, there is freedom.
I can just be… faithful