“Robert, please. You don’t understand, no-one does. When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you’re expected move again only you don’t remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself.”
Women’s fashion - swing skirts with petite coats, fancy hats, gloves, nylons and high heels … That’s right nylons, I will take a pair with the seam up the back. The 1950′s gal was dressed to impress – I like her.
Homemade pudding - the kind with the skin that forms on the top. Not packaged-instant-boxed nonsense, the real deal made with milk and eggs, stirred by a mom in an apron.
Clean wholesome television - shows like “I Love Lucy” and “Leave it to Beaver” , heck I will even settle for “Happy Day’s. Anything would be better than the Carl’s Jr. smut Campaign we have on television now. Let’s save that conversation for another day …
Drive- in movie theaters - my kids will never know the fun of watching a movie from the back hatch of the car, under the stars on a warm summer night. Do you remember that heavy metal speaker that would almost break your window in two?
If you want the right answers, you have to ask the right questions. If I were to ask you to eat your pancakes without syrup, you would surely say no. But … if I asked, “Would like some warm sweet Meyer lemon curd on your fluffy buttermilk souffle cakes with fresh raspberries ?” … well then that changes everything – right?
All classicly trained chefs who suffer from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) – PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON … bring tweezers.
You must know how to cook EVERYTHING … without a recipe
You must love cooking food, touching food, playing with food, painting food, Scotch Guarding food, and torching food, but NEVER, EVER , must you EAT the food, or heaven forbid … let the crew EAT the food!
You must be able to stand on your feet for 12-24 hours at a time and be able to lift at least 333 pounds of produce. Be willing to carry several frozen turkeys, boxes of props, tables, and trash to and from the set… sometimes without a cart.
You may be asked to work in a makeshift kitchen outside, in a tent, in the rain, in a kitchen up a 4 flights of stairs, or even out of a van in the summer with no air conditioning.
You must have complete working knowledge of how to unclog a sink, fix the gas on a portable stove, and be able to jimmy a refrigerator on wheels – so that it doesn’t roll down the street.
You must be able to smile and say, “YES” even when you want to cry, and tell the client “HELL NO”!
You must be willing to fish through 20 cans of beans for the perfect “10″ and then be willing to spend countless hours keeping those beans fresh and delicious until it is their turn to pose for the camera.
You will have to magically guess how many times the talent will screw up on camera and plan the shopping list around their mistakes. If the producer asks for more eggs on take 116, you better have them ready to go and don’t forget - YOU MUST STAY ON BUDGET!
You will keep your mouth shut, bite your tongue, and agree with the talent when they try to educate you on how to properly cook the recipe for their famous Bisquick !&!!#!! . – you then must rave about how wonderful their recipe is.
You will learn to not ask, “WHY”?
Finally and most importantly, you must learn how to hold a RAW chicken for 5 days and make it look … GLAMOROUS for the camera … THE ABBONDANZA!